My excitement to get back to Mahajanga in January was fleeting. The tooth I had chipped before the new year escalated to multiple dentist appointments, lots of frustrating delay from Peace Corps, another unnecessarily long 12 hour trip to my least favorite place, Tana, finding out nothing and being shipped home on another 12 hour bus ride all knowing that if Washington DC thought something had to be fixed I would have to do the 24 hours of travel all over again. A few weeks later I received the email that my tooth was going to lead to a medevac and I would be off to South Africa soon. Bosses returned and I met them for the first time, my roommate moved in, and then yet again I was off…. another 12 hour trip to the capital and then a flight to South Africa. I felt like I was in the midst of a storm.
So much for the idea that I would be settling in when I returned home in January. I was in Mahajanga only a few weeks at a time and I felt alone. I eagerly awaited the trip to South Africa thinking it would be a nice getaway (minus the dental work). When I found out one of the other girls from my region would be there too, I was so excited we could explore things together.
But the day before I had left for South Africa - I was done. I had had enough and was ready to just call it quits. Thankfully the Berrys (who are some of the most amazing people I have ever met) and other PCVs in Tana put everything in perspective. Maybe this trip was exactly what I needed and would provide a true fresh start.
I left for my medevac with a half full giant suitcase hoping it would be somewhat of a medevacation. It was rougher than I expected, with some wonderful moments, shopping, and food in there as well. If you know me I HATE the dentist, and because of complications I spent 2 weeks in and out of the dentist’s office. I also did some tests for my stomach that is still bothering me and although I thought the doctors were interested in helping me solve my ongoing problem, they weren’t helpful at all. An ultrasound successfully located my pain but beyond that everything was a fight. They wouldn’t even let me see a GI doctor because they claimed it wouldn’t help. And I was told other volunteers dealt with worse so I should just deal with it and go home. Towards the end of the medevac I was at an even lower place emotionally than where I had been before I left. I felt like there was no way I could deal with this pain for 2 years. If Peace Corps wasn’t going to help me then maybe it was time to head home. My mom was a big believer in this idea as well. Site wasn’t going well, the medevac wasn’t going well, and after everything I have already been through my mom thought I gave it my best shot, but enough was enough. Actually I’m not sure there was anyone in the US who thought I should return to Madagascar after the medevac, and to be honest I wasn’t sure myself. I felt like I just needed something to go right, in the midst of everything going wrong.
Upon returning to Tana it was almost like culture shock all over again. After shopping, getting my haircut, eating amazing food, and even seeing ferraris; getting off of the plane was difficult. I was blessed enough to spend some time with people from the embassy who made the transition so much easier. I was blessed with the opportunity to meet 2 RPCVs (1 who is legendary in Mada because of his 4 years in his village!) at a dinner. I confided in them that I didn’t know what I was going to do, and I wasn’t sure if staying was right for me. These newly found friends seemed to have more faith in me than I had in myself. They said to go home to site and give it some time, and they passed along advice. The first was to make a long list of books and say you couldn’t leave until you finished them all. The second was a reminder that this would all be a memory before I knew it, and that I shouldn’t make it a memory before I really had to. And both of those things have really stuck with me. I’m currently deep in a series of LA crime books with a dozen still to go. And as the storm begins to calm, I know that I’m not ready for this all to be a memory quite yet.